i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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