i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she told me i tasted like america
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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