Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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