i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
