what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
