At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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