we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
