i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm passing your future prison.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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