I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
