The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
