please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
