I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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