I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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