Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
