i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
