I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
