I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
