I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
