i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
