he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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