I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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