I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
