I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
