I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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