babies were throwing up all over the place
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
