Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
