Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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