Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
