The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
