I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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