Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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