is your mom at the bar?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
