I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
