Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Im part way to drunk.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
