He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
