i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
