Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
