i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
