If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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