the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
