oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
