i just sent this text using only my big toe
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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