First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
