She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
