New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
