My hand turned me down
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
