Can i not drive my cunt home
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
