i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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