I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
