If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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