I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
