i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
