I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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